CHAPTER VIII: Harmony In The Family – Understanding Values In Human Relationships

HUMAN VALUES AND PROFESSIONAL ETHICS

LECTURE NOTES

UNIT –III : CHAPTER VIII 

CHAPTER VIII: Harmony In The Family – Understanding Values In Human Relationships

Family is the Basic Unit of all Interaction: Each of us is born into a family which includes a number of relationships. These relationships are the reality of our life. We recognize and identify these individuals. We share our feelings, tastes, interests and understanding with these people and have an affinity for them.

Beginning with our family as the basic unit of interaction, we extend our interactions to the immediate neighbourhood such as the shopkeepers, servants, classmates, teachers, colleagues etc. Thus we extend our interactions from beginning from our family to a bigger social order and then move further to a still bigger web of interdependency.

Set of proposals to verify Harmony in the Family:

1.      Relationship IS and it exists between the Self (‘I’) and the other Self (‘I’): In a family, we do not create relationships. Instead we are embedded into relationships that are already there and all that we need to do is to recognize them and understand them.

2.      The Self (‘I’) has feelings in a relationship. These feelings are between (‘I’) and (‘I’): In any relationship, it is the person’s Self (I) that is related to the other person’s Self (I). The body is only a means to express our relationship. For example, in a mother and a child, it is the Self of the mother and the Self of the child who feel connected. Their bodies are incapable of understanding or having feelings.

3.      These feelings in the (‘I’) are definite. i.e. they can be identified with definiteness: The feelings in a relationship between “I” and “I” such as Trust, Respect, Affection etc., can be identified with clarity. These feelings are the values which characterize any relationship.

4.       Recognizing and Fulfilling these feelings lead to Mutual Happiness in a relationship: Once we recognize the values essential for any relationship, we start working and behaving according to these feelings. We begin evaluating ours’ and others’ feelings in the relationship. Thus living with these values leads to mutual fulfillment and happiness in all our relationships.

Justice (Nyaya): Justice is the recognition of values (the definite feelings) in relationship, their fulfilment, the right evaluation of the fulfilment resulting in mutual happiness. Justice concerns itself with the proper ordering of things and people within a society. There are four elements: Recognition of values, fulfilment, evaluation and mutual happiness ensured. When all the four are ensured, justice is ensured. Mutual fulfilment is the hallmark of justice. And justice is essential in all relationships. Justice starts from family and slowly expands to the world family. The child gets the understanding of justice in the family. With this understanding, he goes out in the society and interacts with people.

If the understanding of justice is ensured in the family, there will be justice in all the interactions we have in the world at large. If we do not understand the values in relationships, we are governed by our petty prejudices and conditionings. We may treat people as high or low based on their body (particular caste, or sex or race or tribe), on the basis of wealth one possesses or the belief systems that one follows. All this is source of injustice and leads to fragmented society while our natural acceptance is for an undivided society and universal human order. Having explored the harmony in the human beings, we are able to explore the harmony in the family. This enables us to understand the harmony at the level of society and nature/existence. And this is the way, the harmony in our living grows. We slowly get the competence to live in harmony with all human beings.

Present Scenario: Differentiation (Disrespect) in relationships on the basis of body, physical facilities, or beliefs –

Respect means accepting individuality and doing right evaluation (to be evaluated as I am). Our basis for respect today is largely quite contrary to our discussion above. Instead of respect being a basis of similarity or one of right evaluation, we have made it into something on the basis of which we differentiate i.e. by respecting you mean you are doing something special, because you are special or have something special or are in some special position. Thus, all of us are running around seeking respect from one another by trying to become something special.

Today, we are differentiating in the name of respect. We either differentiate people on the basis of their body, on the basis of their wealth and possessions or on the basis of their beliefs. There is no notion of respect in terms of right evaluation. Thus, there is no real feeling of relationship, only one of differentiation.

On the basis of body

• Sex/gender: We ignore the fact that being male or female is an attribute of the body, and not an attribute at the level of ‘I’. And differentiate in giving respect on the basis of gender called male and females. In many countries, people even prefer a male child to a female child, and in some other societies, the other way round.

• Race: If the person is of the same race as oneself, then we treat them differently. For example, we differentiate on the basis of skin colour – white, brown, black etc. or on the basis of whether the person is of Aryan race, Mongolian race etc. or on the basis of caste. Again here, we don’t do the evaluation on the basis of ‘I’, but on the basis of the body

•   Age: We have notions such as ‘one must respect elders’. There is no such notion as respect youngsters. Here, we see that we are again evaluating at the level of the body – age is related to the body, and not to ‘I’.

• Physical strength: If someone is stronger, we again treat him/her differently. This is again at the level of the body. In fact, we think that we are respecting the other while it is fear; the fear that if we do not treat them like this, we will be harmed.

On the basis of physical facilities

•   Wealth: We differentiate people because some have wealth than others. What we term as a “rich person” gets idolized. We don’t even bother to find out whether such people are feeling prosperous, or if they just have wealth. This way, we are over-evaluating physical facilities first, which are just meant to fulfil the needs of the body, and then on this basis, we are wrongly identifying our relationship.

•   Post: We try to respect on the basis of a person’s position. The post is wrongly evaluated as the mark of a person’s excellence and differentiation sets in. The post is considered important either on the basis that it gives more physical facilities or on the basis that certain positions are assumed to be important. In our education, we are trained directly or indirectly to earn posts for us to fetch respect.

On the basis of beliefs

•   ‘Isms’: ‘Ism’ means any belief in terms of a ‘thought-system’ that we have, or that we have adopted. There are also many modern ‘isms’ such as capitalism, socialism, communism, etc. The people following these sets of beliefs are called capitalists, socialists, communists, and so on. The people that have adopted them or are following them have been exposed to them since childhood. Believing theirs to be the right belief. However, all beliefs, as we have seen are at the level of desires, thoughts and expectations (selections) in ‘I’. There is no definiteness at this level, and hence, this becomes a cause for differentiation.

• Sects: People of one sect only consider those with a similar belief system to be their ‘own’ and worthy of respect. Following a particular tradition, or what we call as religion, becomes the basis of respect and disrespect in relationship.

The Problems Faced Due To Differentiation In Relationships:

 Differentiation based on sex/gender: Issue of women’s rights, and women protesting and demanding for equality in education, in jobs, and in peoples’ representation. People are insecure and afraid of one another based on their gender.

Differentiation based on race: there are many movements and protect against racial discrimination and demands for equality, racial attacks, movements against cast discrimination has people living in fear of such racism, racist attacks, casticism and discrimination.

Differentiation based on age: Protests and movements demanding for equal rights for children on the one hand and for rights for elderly people on the other, generation gap

Differentiation based on wealth: Class struggle and movements to do away with class-differentiation. Many people suffering from a lack of self-esteem and some even committing suicide,

Differentiation based on post: Protests against high handed government officials. At the level of the individual, leads to depression, etc.

Differentiation based on ’isms: Fights, turmoil, terrorism and war, people converting from one Ism to another in order to be able to get more respect.

Differentiation based on sects: Countless religions and sects and each sect has its own movement to ensure that there is no discrimination against people of their belief and demands for special provisions in jobs and in education.

Foundation Value and Complete Value in Human Relationship:

There are certain basic and important values in maintaining relationship. These values, we all know, are the backbone of health and happy family relations. The feelings, emotions, sentiments and respect all are of real importance. These values lead to elimination of friction and establishment of total harmony in relationship on long term basis. Values that are important in any relationship are:

Feelings / Values in Relationships
S.No.	Feeling
1	Trust / Visvasa
2	Respect / Sammana
3	Affection / Sneha
4	Care / Mamata
5	Guidance / Vatsalya
6	Reverence / Shraddha
7	Glory / Gaurava
8	Gratitude / Kritagyata
9	Love / Prema

1.      Trust: Trust or vishwas is the foundational value in relationship. “To be assured that each human being inherently wants oneself and the other to be happy and prosperous.” If we have trust in the other, we are able to see the other as a relative and not as an adversary.

    

  There are two aspects in trust:

        i.            Intention (wanting to – our natural acceptance)

      ii.            Competence (being able to do)

      Both intention and competence are the aspects of trust. Intention is what one aspires for (our natural acceptance) and competence is the ability to fulfil the aspiration. In intention every human being wants to do what is right, only the competence may be lacking which needs to be developed through proper understanding and practice. But what we are doing today is that when we are judging ourself we are judging on the basis of our intention, whereas, when we are judging the other we are judging him on the basis of his competence.

“ If you trust everybody, people will take undue advantage of you”. What is the basic error    

   in this statement?

The basic error is that if we trust everybody people will not take undue advantage of me. On the contrary, it gives us inner strength and we become far more effective in interacting with and “dealing with different people”. This is simply because, we already are sitting with the knowledge of what the person truly wants, truly intends, even though the person may not know this himself/herself! Hence, our ability to interact with people becomes far more effective and in the process, we don’t get hurt, we don’t get disturbed, we end up becoming an aid to the other. In other words, becoming aware, having the right understanding, living with the assurance in relationship does not mean becoming “stupid”! It only makes us, more competent. Further, what is being said here is that we have trust on the intention of everyone, but, when it comes to making a program with someone, I evaluate my competence, I evaluate his competence and make the program accordingly. This makes me more effective.

2.      Respect: Respect means individuality. The sense of individuality is prime object. This is the first basic step towards respect (sammana). Once we realized that we are individual then only we can see our self different from others. In other words, respect means right evaluation, to be evaluated as I am.

Difference between Respect and Differentiation / Disrespect:

Respect	Differentiation
1. Respect is right evaluation.	1. Differentiation is lack of understanding of respect.
2. Respect for others is generated by the right evaluation and understanding which leads to fulfilment in relationships. This further creates a sense of respect among people	2. This differentiation can take the form of: o   Gender bias o   Generation gap o   Caste struggle o   Power play and domination o   Communal violence o   Clash of race, religion, etc. o   class struggle,
	3. This leads to the escalation in the problems of society which further lowers the respect shown to others in society.

3.      Affection: Affection is the feeling of being related to the other. Affection comes when I recognize that we both want to make each other happy and both of us are similar.

4.      Care: The feeling of care is the feeling to nurture and protect the body of our relative. Or in other words a state of mind in which one is troubled; worry, anxiety, or concern is called care.

5.      Guidance: The feeling of ensuring right understanding and feelings in the other (my relative) is called guidance. We understand the need of self (‘I’) for right understanding and feelings. We also understand that the other is similar to me in his/her faculty of natural acceptance, desire of wanting continuous happiness and the program of living in harmony at all the four levels.

6.      Reverence: The feeling of acceptance of excellence in the other is called reverence. When we see that the other has achieved this excellence- which means to understand and to live in harmony at all the levels of living ensuring continuity of happiness, we have a feeling of reverence for him/her.

7.      Glory: Each one of us wants to live with continuous happiness and prosperity. Each one of us has the similar faculty of natural acceptance, has the same goal and program and we have the same potential to realize this. Glory is the feeling for someone who has made efforts for excellence.

8.      Gratitude: Gratitude is the feeling of acceptance for those who have made efforts for my excellence. Gratitude is an emotion that occurs after people receive help, depending on how they interpret the situation.

9.      Love: Love is the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. In other words, love is a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. This feeling or value is also called the complete value since this is the feeling of relatedness to all human beings. It starts with identifying that one is related to the other human being (the feeling of affection) and it slowly expands to the feeling of being related to all human beings.

The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure ("I loved that meal") to intense interpersonal attraction ("I love my wife"). "Love" can also refer specifically to the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love, to the sexual love of Eros (cf. Greek words for love), to the emotional closeness of familial love, or to the platonic love that defines friendship, to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love. This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

The above mentioned values are the core of all relations. One has to follow all to gain on the day to day problems. These values are intrinsic and available in every person. We need to find out in ourselves and implement. Without implementation, one cannot think of a strong family relation.

The Basis of Undivided Society (Akhanda Samaja) –  The World Family:

The feelings of being related to every human being leads to our participation in an undivided society. By living in relationship in the family, we get the occasion to gain the assurance that the other person is an aid to me and not a hindrance. The family is a laboratory of sorts, in which we live our understanding and relationship. With the understanding of values in human relationship, we are able to recognize the connectedness with every individual correctly and fulfil it. On getting assured, it becomes easy to see that society is an extension of family and that it is possible to live in harmony with every human being- thus laying the foundation for an undivided society- from family to world family.